I carried our son for 41 weeks and 2 days. And those final weeks broke me but in the best way possible.

I worked as a K4 teacher almost my entire pregnancy. Towards the end of my pregnancy I started putting together all my plans for Kylie’s care and my maternity leave. And this is the point where the Lord started to break me down and remind me that He is in control.

I knew what to expect, but this time around was different, I already had a child to take care of. This time around I wanted to have everything planned. I wanted to control everything. I wanted meals planned and frozen, a clean house, hospital plans, special plans for Kylie, special snacks for everyone, etc. Anything and everything I could control and plan, I wanted ready. I think the Lord knew my heart better than I did and he proved that I was not in control.

I was about 35 weeks pregnant I started to get everything ready for Leland’s arrival. Kylie was a little bit early, so we figured Leland would be early also (that joke would be on us!). I finished my lesson plans for maternity leave at school, I started cleaning and nesting…I washed everything in our house! And then a few weeks later, Daniel and Kylie both caught the FLU!! Our house that I just spent a week or so deep cleaning (with a toddler) now had flu germs in it. And that started the anxiety and stress in our house! The control was slipping out of my hands. We were getting worried that if Leland came too early, Daniel wouldn’t be able to be in the L&D room because of the flu. We were worried about the health consequences for me, if I got it this close to delivery. (Praise the Lord, I didn’t catch it!) I was worried about our house being clean and being able to bring a newborn home.  I wasn’t able to sleep and I physically and mentally felt exhausted.  At this point, everyone thought Leland was coming soon. Even my co-workers thought I wasn’t going to make it through the last week of my teaching. I even had Braxton-Hicks contractions starting.

I was around 38 weeks at this point and everything slowly came back together. The Lord healed Daniel and Kylie pretty quickly, I finished my last week of teaching and I was able to re-clean our house. Everything was ready again and I started to sleep better, look better and of course my Braxton-Hicks went away. All the plans were ready and hospital bags were packed. Grandparents were on stand-by…and then we all waited. And waited. And waited.

Each day we waited and waited. Each day, we waited earnestly for something to happen. Though with each passing day the anxiety grew in my heart and our home- we were tired of waiting. Daniel had been locking up his tools and leaving behind notes at work, every single day just in case he wasn’t there. My parents kept calling to see how I was doing, so my dad could use leave from work. I knew both Daniel and my Dad were looking forward to taking time from the stresses at their jobs.

The last weeks were a mental game for me. I was at home with a toddler, very pregnant and googling every possible sign of labor (even though I had already been through a natural birth before!!). I started feeling the pressure from everyone around me that the baby should have already arrived.

I spent a lot of time praying, begging, and pleading with the Lord to get this baby out! But the Lord knew my heart and He would say, “not yet. I have your baby safe in MY hands” and of course I would plead again and again. I just wanted to hold my baby in my arms. I wanted to be able to hold Kylie close without a belly. I wanted to be able to move again. I wanted it to end and I wanted control over all of it.

Day in and day out, the Lord reminded me that He was in control. With every possible thing I tried to start labor (and I did just about everything from climbing stairs, eating pineapple, spicy hot sauce, breast pump, to holding Kylie and doing swats) the Lord kept teaching me a lesson that I am not in control. There wasn’t a single thing I could do to start labor…that was the Lord’s timing.

The day before Kylie became a big sister!